meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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