he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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