I puked a lego.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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