True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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