The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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