I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
