It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
