It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize