please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
