is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
