Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
