I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
