So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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