Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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