clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
