AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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