Your mouth is God's brothel.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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