apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
