I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
