you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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