We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize