I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
