What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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