i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
