I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
