He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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