plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
bring money and cleavage
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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