So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
