i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
