this just has baby written all over it
only you would photoshop your dick
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
