I want to make a zoo with you.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
