I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
