paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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