i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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