you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
