you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Porn is love you can see.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
