is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Randomize
