last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
