he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
