You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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