the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
