Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
