This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
