dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
