I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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