dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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