don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The Olympian is in my bed
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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