I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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