You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
