I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
