Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
