If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
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