the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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