btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
