My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
