it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
