How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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