Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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