I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
