ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
