Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
