Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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