So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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