My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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