$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
