I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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