Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I need to stop coming to work sober
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
