you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
