Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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